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osama0jamal's Blog
Preprepared marriages vs. Love based marriages
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First of all, hi and welcome to my first post on TIG.
I always looked for a website to express my thoughts and worries openly. Thanks to Batool and Heba.
One of the biggest challenges I think most young people in Arab countries face, is prepared marriages vs. love-based marriages. What are those two?, Why should youngsters choose one over the other?, what are the gains/losses of each?, are they applicable to Arabs? What should youngsters take into account before choose one of the two paths? These questions have actually captured my thought for along time.
I will give a quick presentation of both, and give my opinion on each type.
Pre-prepared Marriages:
Pre-prepared Marriages are those where the parents find a bride for their son based on their perception, the reputation of the potential bride, and on their beliefs of what a good bride should be. So the parents at the beginning choose a set of candidates and the son chooses one after meeting them and having some small talks with them. After that, the groom makes his choice and then the two are wedded.
Problems in pre-prepared marriages arise when the period of joy or honey passes and the two spouses are now to deal with life depending on each other. A big problem arises when interests or likes and dislikes overlap. He wants something she wants the other. Another big problem arises in understanding the other. Moreover, a lot of problems arise from the expectations of both spouses. Each one expects a certain path of behavior according to his/her family standards. But on the other hand, having the parents lay out some candidate girls for marriage reduces this problem since most families that like each other come from the same social level.
However, it should be noted, that previously most Arab families have had pre-prepared marriages and hold a much lower percent of divorces than western families. The social and cultural standards in the Arab world regard divorce as a catastrophe and people wouldn't run to it unless there is no other exit to coexist with each other.
Marriages based on love:
Now a lot of youngsters are following the western way of doing things. People are looking for the love that would capture their lives as in Celine Dion's songs. This situation has had many consequences on the society.
I believe that marriage should be purely based on love and the freedom of choice for both potential spouses, the question here is "is that applicable in our society?"
Would this behavior lead our societies to the high divorce rates we see else where. Plus, people copying the behavior patterns of the west contradict our thought and Islam. We are a different culture.
Which path should we follow? What would we want to teach our children about this?
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| March 13, 2007 | 10:17 AM |
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Comments
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Osama ur welcome , I'm really glad for reading your first blog here and look forward to reading whatever you write
Actually this thing has come to my mind before, which is better ,which is more fair for the girl, the boy and their families and I've come to the conclusion that both of them are good ways to get married when they are used probably .....How !! that's a long story but I have to comment here on the opposite way of the traditional ways of getting married or meeting your partner, Arabian Muslim guys should be really careful about these relationships because they could be simply misleaded specially as Osama mentioned when they blindly immitate others in things that may not go with our religion, culture and traditions
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That is a very tough decision
Hi Osama
That is a very interesting subject to talk about. And what I want to say is that Arab nations try to imitate western nations by every thing and from the beginning my opinion is merrages based on love is not the right way for so many reasons you mentioned some !!
I agree with the Pre-prepared Marriages but also it has some problems !!
In my opinion, even if you merried like the first or the second , compromising is needed !
And I support you with any thing and hope to see more articles like this.
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why not combined together!!
why we assume that pre prepared marriages are love free? as a muslims we have the islamic rules to apply, which dont prevent you from falling in love but as Batool said in a way to save both sides from what only love marriages or the wrong perception of it can ends up with.
now as a girl according to how pre prepeared marriages are applied here I really refuse to marry someone bcoz am his mama's choice,or bcoz I am a match to his majesty's criteria. Imagine what a girl will feel if some guy came to see her just to take a look coz someone told his family or him about , further more imagine what will she feel if he didnt come back , she is not a merchandise, for God sake. and of course love marriages as you called them can really fake us i mean the honey moon here will end too but this one with a shock bcoz you suddenly get to know
the person you spent your last 2 or 3 years as his/her boy/girl friend.
it is a very complicated subject but in short i think that life sends us signs to read , even if you met someone in a pre prepared marriage you will feel if he/she is the one during the engagement , or if you met someone and got to know him/her before.
most important we all know that our happeness is in choosing the right way.
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oh sorry thank you, and good choice for a first blog, interesting thing and important too :)
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wow!!
first of all, thank you all for your replies.
except for Heba's comment I am getting the feeling that everyone supports pre-prepared marriages and most people think that love is not the right path for people to get married.
Now, for the most cases I met, only few people who loved could develop their love into marriage. Actually this can go as low as 10% or even less.
Most couples break up after a while and both sides can feel the same way again.
this brings me to the regulations of islam. I think that the loving feeling comes once in a life time. And I think that the pleasure of the first love is not recycable and can only be felt once in a lifetime.
In this sense, Islam has lowered the level of contact between males/females to the point that marriage feels like heaven for people.
Although Islam has prohibited any kind of sexual interaction between males and females, it has not ever prohibited general interaction in seeking knowledge, in markets... etc.
It gave people the right to get to the basic introduction of love, but has not let that get too far so that it would maintain the respect especially for females.
Islam has known that free-of-responsibility interaction is the killer of respect of men for women. in other words, islam has set these rules so that men would cherish their women and not be indifferent of them since there is always an easy way out with other women.
Batool,, Could you explain more about how the right wat of using both is possible?
Amjad, don't you feel that "pre-prepared marriages" disrespect women?
Heba, it is correct that this decission will mostly decide whether a person will be happy in there life or not. Do you think that letting this to the hands of god is the right way?
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Personally..I think it's more sensible to get to know a person first..before ever thinking about getting married..
No..that dosn't mean being vetted by a persons mother or family..what I mean is..socialising with this person..maybe not alone, but with friends also..Finding out about the other persons likes and dislikes..bad habits..generally finding out if this person would be compatible with you..Gradually..you might find that he/she is the one that you want to get married to..I also believe no sexual interaction is a good thing..All that will come later after your married..It is a matter of respect..I truly believe that..
Anyway..why do preprepared marriages have a lower divorce rate..maybe it's because couples don't want to disappoint or put shame on their families..Who knows? If I have spoken out of turn ..please put me right!!
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Marriage... marriage...
Thanks Osama for this article... This topic really makes young people so confused... We face to face same problems in Turkey like other Muslim countries. You fall in love someone, one of the voice in yourside says " S/he will be a very a nice girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse for you, you should say yourlove to him/her...", on the other hands, an other one says "You should bury yourlove inside, you should marry someone whom yourparents will choose..." Especially, If you are an ignorant- uneducated person, then there is no an other way, there is no choice! You have to marry someone whom parents will choose... Maybe s/he is good for you, maybe not... Who knows... Also, while you flirt someone, you can not see negative things about him/her. After you marry someone who is yourboy/girl friend, sometime later you can notice your marraige is getting worse... You both are so diffirent... In this situation, both of them(Preprepared marriages vs. Love based marriages) are to take a huge risk and there are lots of responsibilities... it is so important to have respect for eachother in marriage...
I always believe that woman and man complete eachother. We all want to marry someone who we love. But, we can not estimate which is better for us... Let us pray the best :)
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Some Thank you's and comments
Angie: It is wonderful to have someone from the UK give us an insight about this troubling puzzle. It is really important to really get to know the person before committing. but the problem is, how sure can you be that you have identified the "Masks" of other people. This is an ever growing problem here. People start dating for a while and then after a few months the masks fall, and they break up. Now that is a problem here cause dating would generally lead to sexual activities! Or in the best cases this would lead the couple to stop trusting and being open to other chances. I beleive that no sexual intercouse is a good thing, but how can we stop this when people are free to meet and do whatever they like?
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Some Thank you's and comments (Pt. 2)
Esra: Thanks for sharing this with us. I never knew this was the case in Turkey! I agree that there is a huge risk in any type of the marriages.
I would like to point one thing out. Another problem arises in our countries because many people think that girls are "suitable" for marriage under a certain age. Let's say under 30 years. After that point the chances for a girl to get married are hevily lowered!!
So the problem arises, when two people love each other and would like to build their home together. A typical guy would need some seven years to be able to support a family. so if the two meet when they are 22 years old, there is a huge risk for the girl to wait all this time for him. What are the chances of getting seperated? then she will spend the rest of her life alone as a price for her love!!
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Osama..hi..Well I believe if a people has respect for oneself and the other person..this really shouldn't be a problem..Temptation is an evil thing within..but it's all a matter of resisting..You're right with regards to westerners..they meet someone..and more or less immediately they have a sexual relationship..This dosn't mean they love eachother..they just don't want to wait..It could take months..or even years to get to know a person fully..Sometimes marriage is a risk we take..whether it works or not is a different matter..
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halloo
so osama, 1st of all.. nice subject to dicuss ..
i read some of the comments.. but i'll write what i think of the two kinds of marriges ..
prepared marreges, as we al know in our cultur and traditions,it is sth each single girl go through, so from a girl point of view, it's not that easy to have some1 comeing looking at her, checking the details, and hardly do some kind of conversation with her, then finally judge her after 20 min!! i mean almost 95% of our parents got married this way, and thanks GOD, no divorces happend, they lived for decats togather, loved each other and made a huge family togather.. so this kind of marriges, although i do not really accept it, but i do respect it, and beleive it's the better way to marry some1 .. at least, you'll know the background of the other family, u'll be sure of their history and be sure that the enviroment your kids will be raised up in is a healthy enviroment ..
th loved based marraiges .. osama ya osama .. this is the most romantic thing could happen to some1, to spend the rest of your life with your loved one, a girl find her prince-charming, and see him each single moment for the rest of her life .. this is the idea most youngsters have in their minds, love is enough.. but love with no logoic and without using the mind, it'll be a disaster.. and the relation won't last, i knew ppl loved each other for years, and when i say years i mean 5-10 years.. some got married and then divorced.. others still cherish each ohter, but married to other ppl..
it is a complicated thing to say what is wrong and what is right, but at the end, it's all fate, and we cnt change a single thing of what will happen to us ( kolo 7sab el naseeb), i do believe that if Allah wanted sth to happen or wanted me to stay with some1, this thing is happening for a reason, HE knew that i will not have a happy life with the guy i love so he made me marry some1 i knew through prepared marragies .. ( i say it as an expamle )
so all in all . i wish you the best .. wish the girls and guys also the best .. and .. follow what you feel, but use your minds when acting ..
hopefully i cleared my point ..
take care .. ciaoo
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Conclusions
I would like to conclude some points from the previous posts:
Angie: You said it right. There is a big risk in any type of marriage. I'm getting the feeling that we can't judge non to be totally safe or totally right.
It'sMe: You also mentioned some good examples of the usual scenario of love stories in our countries. It doesn't seem that love based marriages are yet a successful process in our countries.
Maybe it's us who are not mature enough to really handle the responsibility of real love. We might fancy real love but fail to take the responsibilty of taking it to where it should go. I quote from Stephan Covey:
" Love was never a feeling. Since all time, Love was and still a verb. Love requires sacrifice and devotion, not wishes. Love requires fighting, not waiting for destiny.
Love as a mother loves her child. she gives, gives and gives and doesn't wait for returns!!"
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Osama yes as Angie said in both types there r risks , getting married and choosing who is supposed to be your partner is tufffff
responsability and decision ,now what i was talking about in my first comment is sooooo opened and so would be questions made about it so it's gonna be hard to give a spesific answer but i'm gonna try , first of all as muslims we should always have a good Intention in everything but do we truly have good ones ??!! I don't think so atleast not all of us and that's a huge problem bcoz under that comes the rest ..., let's talk about the traditional marrieges first if the family who's looking for their son a bride are good ppl then they aren't by anyway atleast not intentiollay seak the wrong type of bride ( for money, beauty, position..etc) ofcourse they all count but there are other priorities then more likely they won't hurt the girl nor her family in any of their actions ,now it comes to the boy and the girl if there aren't any pressures from the family in accepting or rejecting then it would be really their call but do families leave them specially when there are money and important position I doubt it (Yes parents and families have the right to interfer and should interfer but also in the right way) , now again to the girl and the boy what are their criteria in choosing their partner ...also the same ,let's say everything was good and their choises were made according to what really matters who says this can't lead to love or they might not know eachother very well they can ,prophet Muhammad (PBUH) says in one of his sayings to one of his companians look at her there might be love or adoreness( i know not translated well but this is what can think of now:) ) .
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Love that leads to marriege can also be good if also the intention of both sides is good how ...they fear God , they are serious not playful, they aren't doing anything wrong or that makes it wrong ( prohibited) , can't 2 ppl who work together simply fall in love!! , and they aren't acting on eachother ,yes there might be a positive way for this that they know eachother more but is it really like this weren't we shocked by ppl whom we knew for their whole life and once they got married we discovered that they were sth else ,but when truly things are used probably and in their place then this is good ......let's say both of them r good ,serious..etc then they are both responsable then more likely they would also consider their families and think about them and what's right and wrong and at the end life is an exam we should do our best to pass this exam with satisfaying results and do what helps us to pass it , another thing is "
الطيبون للطيبات والخبيثون للخبيثات"
"ومن يتق الله يجعل له مخرجا"
صلاة الاستخارة :):):)
btw Osama we should let things in the hands of God but also work on them because that's what He ordered us to do ( we should do what we have to do then ALtawakol 3la Allah ,we shouldn't stand doing nothing waiting for destiny )
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It is already in the hands of Allah
osama ya you are right Maybe it's us who are not mature enough to really handle the responsibility of real love.......specially these days, I mean when I look around me and see the type of youth we turned to I really wonder how can these guys and these girls take the responsibilty of being (kholafaa) in earth which is the first duty of humans, same as taking the responsibility of choosing the right person to be the mother or the father of our children so its not only about love , love is not enough ..and what really worries now that the hope is really fading out so we need to rely on Allah after doing what you have to do:
"فاظفر بذات الدين تربت يداك"
you can marry someone because she/he is beautiful , out standing , rich, or your love etc ..marry someone who will fear Allah in her/his family ,husband/wife and then count on Allah coz Allah will implant the love of this person without even realizing that and before even knowing her/him.
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Oh My God
Batool and Heba,
You two have actually said it perfect. I thought long and hard about this problem. the Only solution is following God's rules.
"
الطيبون للطيبات والخبيثون للخبيثات"
"ومن يتق الله يجعل له مخرجا"
"فاظفر بذات الدين تربت يداك
Knowing those two rules and actually believing in them and trusting God's choices, while taking intiative and working on your self and on your goal, god will eventually give you what you deserve.
As heba has said, maybe you won't get the most beautiful girl out there, maybe not the richest, maybe not the coolest or the one from the best family. But by just applying the rules of Islam, you can rest asure that if you really clear you intetions for god and be a Do-er not just a speaker, God will give you the right wife/husband.
Thank you God for the comfort your existence gives us. Without your support and mercy we wouldn't be able to manage anything.
El7amdela 3la kul shy,
o Inshala alah yurzu2na el 5yr.
2amyn
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Hi Osama! Actually there are some diffirence between urban and rural areas regarding marriage in Turkey... People prefer to marry with preprepared marriages in rural areas, but situation in urban areas are more different. Their marriages are usually love based.
Unfortunately, we usually see divorces in love based marriages. Moreover, these devorced people are mostly postgraduate... Maybe, because of having economic freedom...
Also, I agree with Angie about sexual interaction will come later after your married... Because, it can cause very bad results to have sexual intercourse before marriage. I have worked on sexual & reproductive health,HIV/AIDS for 3 years at university as a peer educator, I have faced lots of negative stuations. Some university students have sexual interaction with their girl/boyfriends, but some of them dont know how they will protect themselves. Last week, unfortunately I heard 2 tragic events at university. One of them was about a girl who is pregnant(she is under 18 years old) and she doesn't know what will happen, so sad, so regretful... An other one was about a boy who is HIV(+) ... Unfortunately some young people can not control themselves and... finally some bad results...
That is why Islam has prohibited any kind of sexual interaction between males and females...
I hope that we all can be more logical,especially young people... But, I think if there is a love, there is no logic... At least, we can try to be logical... :)
Stay with love,
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Hi all ;
I was happy to see this much of interest in this great subject so again thanks a lot Osama !
I would like to ask some questions. we all are talking about Islam and it's rule ; was marriages like the traditional way these days in Islam befor 1400 years ago ? Was ther a LOVE stories in Islam ? and what was the percentage of them ? 8 - 10% over this long time ? and most of them the two lovers didn't marry each other !! doesn't this indicates that Marriages based on love is not the right way ??
Also if we want to talk about Islam's rules we have to apply these rule ; as possible ; on our lives ! Islam didn't prohibit the contact between men and women but it limits it to the minimum !! even a woman must pray in her house not in mosque unless it is friday or Eid ...
doesn't this have message for us ? that woman must not contact with men !! for several reasons for the womens' advantage.
I am against Marriages based on love because woman is a weak person and men ( most of them ) are liers !
And which is better when his majesty go and try to find a woman that might agree to marry him ? or when a woman try many guys to fing the perfect guy for her ? is it good when a woman with her spouse and sees her x-boyfriend !! I don't think so !!
Please I would like to know your comments !!
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Misunderstood!
well its obvious that some of you misunderstood my point thats because my "his majesty" was taken out of the context it was written according to,I wrote it this way coz this is what happens in preprepared marriages these days, and to clarify myself more i did mention that i dont agree 100% with the defintions coz preprepared marriages as described indicate that there is no love in it, according to the situation i wrote my "his majesty" doesnt show that I have problems with men lol at all hehehheeh am I ok now coz i dont wanna argue about 2 words when we agree that love marriages AS DESCRIBED are not good too, ok truce now ;)
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